My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
