I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
