she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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