Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
