She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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