fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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