I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
