She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
