thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
