is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
