woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
