she smelled like a LAN party
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
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You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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