'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
