I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
