if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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