dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
