So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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