Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
