new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
