I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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