I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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