im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i came on her dog
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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