Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Small penises have feelings too.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
