my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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