I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
