yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
