I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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