Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
