Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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