So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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