apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
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Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
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I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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