i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
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