I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
