Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
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I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
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He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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