i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
