True but thats because hes a fetus.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
