Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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