if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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