This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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