did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
