The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
