The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
