I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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