you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
