the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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