He asked to "fluff my boner.."
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
