I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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