went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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