I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
