I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
