some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
