Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
