The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
