I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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