She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
