that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
