after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
