The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
