I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
