Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
