Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
That was an excessively violent trivia night
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
COCAINE IS GR8
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
