i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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